Nartapura's Chosen Journal|
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|Saturday, February 12th, 2011|
|What Egypt means to me?
When I think about Egypt, I feel so powerful. To live in the present moment into whats truly happening in our finger tips. Something thats tangible and something that will go through my mind forever, to tell the future of what I witness a Revolution!
For me its more than an underdog story and a story of freedom. To break away from a dictatorship by the shear power of peaceful demonstration and to fight for the cause. For me it is the power of the people, and the power of the individual to achieve anything, as long as you dream in it and believe in it.
We'll been through our own revolution with Barak Obama, Were in the mist of Wars, Recession, and now a Revolution. 2011 is looking up, Dictator regimes are falling, and the impossible is happening. Never say never, and as we get close to 2012 maybe the end is near, who knows...
What Egypt mean to me is the future, and I'm really thankful to be an American. I thank God that I don't live in oppression and I feel everyone man, woman, whether color, race, or creed should have a chance to grow to their full potential. Even though our countries not the best, I'm glad I don't live a dictator government living in fear.
Good Job Egypt! This is only the beginning of the New World!
|Friday, November 26th, 2010|
|Sometimes I wonder...
Sometimes I wonder when I'm going to be a writer. To say it with confidence the same tone when I say I'm a Marine, or I'm an American. There are things that I have in my head that makes me feel so powerful yet, also so vulnerable.
I feel I don't know what to say about my writing. I'm still learning, "it is a work in progress", Mark always says. I feel as I need to learn to inner direct myself to become a better person everyday. That has been my "idea" but come on! Would I be telling you the truth if I told you I never get lazy. No I wouldn't because I'm human. I just have to remember that I'm a simple man trying to make a difference in my life.
I take out my watch and I look at my watch turning slowly. And every second is passing by me. And in that second, I will never get it back. Because I sit and observe a day of thanks. Yet, I want to say I'm thankful to be an American. To live in America where I can sleep without a thought of being awaken in the middle of the night. I'm glad that I live in a country where I do not fear for my life.
I feel as though I knew that I always wanted to be an artist, but I felt like I never got the chance. I got lost in the Marine Corps I always say to people, but here I am, taking a chance because I want to achieve being a writer.
They say the mind is so powerful that when an individual set a goal, if they can picture it, it will become reality. Like magic, but it is not magic, its real, its tangible, BUT it requires hard work and perseverance. It wouldn't be a "dream", if it was easy to obtain would it? That's what I realize about a ,"dream" its never going to be easy. There is always that long road ahead of you and its part of life as we know it.
And now in some stroke of genius I take Mark's Acting I class and as I writer I get in tune with my instrument, my body, my soul, and what make me unique as an individual.
Why didn't I see it before?
The reason I couldn't write, was because I had an instrumental blockage of my mind. Not understanding how to communicate my feelings and put it on paper. I realize as a kid I had trouble communicating because I didn't start hearing until the age of two because I had a hearing problem. The only difference is I always felt my emotions. This is where I would slur my words, get words out of context, misuse words, or couldn't pronounce correctly. I had a handicap because I never learned the proper way of English. Really, I never really cared but I just knew if people are going to take me seriously I would have to communicate better.
I have always knew I am imaginative but I always found it was hard to communicate. People would make fun at the way I talk sometimes, and I used to think they were laughing at me, but I realized they weren't laughing at me, they couldn't understand me. How can a fellow peer understand me if I misused my words or slur it? I realize I'm learning how to communicate and what's great is that I'm digging my English Major.
Studying English has helped me understand not only the literature but the language. I feel more people are actually listening to what I'm saying rather than being confuse in what I mean. I feel like I have a lot to say and writing is my form of therapy because mang, it takes a while to come up with these ideas. Current Mood: full
|Wednesday, October 13th, 2010|
Its hard to understand yourself sometimes. Sometimes I'm conservative, sometimes I just think a lot. I'm always up in my head handling business. Its the software that I have develop during my time in the Marine Corps and what makes me myself. I built this wall that establishes order and demands the things around him will work regardless the risk and chances. If its possible then we can make it happen with will power of the human mind.
I believe we did that on Friday to what I call a successful Let Loose Event that built not only a good time, but memories that will last forever. The Let Loose event lets me know I'm doing something for the community of my peoples, a chance to just show their art, enjoy music, and have a good time. I think thats very hard to achieve but thats always something I always wanted to do.
So I stayed up last night all night writing a paper about King Arthur for my English class. Mang it was so hard to write, because part of me procrastinate because of so many things. Let Loose, stressing about the event, this paper, football, Lakers season about to start, what I have to do to make more money, my acting class whatever. My mind is just going like 100 mph and it doesn't stop. Don't forget I got Crazy Shelley riding on my ass as a girlfriend. LOL
I feel I never get a chance to breath because I have so many projects I want to do, and I have OCD and I want everything to be perfect. I love my friends you guys are great. You guys are all just Craziest Motherfuckers and I love you guys. I don't know what I do with out you guys. If it wasn't for you guys, we wouldn't have a Let Loose Event, you guys made the event. I'm just Agustino but you guys are just amazing.
So who am I? I been working so hard when I was a kid and to be 25 I can honestly feel I know who I am. I'm a hardworking man that has dreams. I feel as a kid I felt so oppress from the system. I wanted to get out of that system, which was my parents mind you. And I went to a different system. An institution, which was the Marine Corps. I mean I jump from one shit hole to another. I loved the Corps, and if somebody ask me if I do it again, with the concept of all the things I know, I just know I would do it again, in a heartbeat. No regrets.
I just can't live with regrets, I love life, and life is too fucken short to be worrying what others think about me, I just need to do my shit, and do good.
Its been a while since I felt this free, and liberated, like dropping my fucken pack after I just finish the "Crucible." Oh mang, for once I can stay up and rest and play games. I just love games, especially Role Playing Games. It feels like when I play those games, I'm always learning, learning about life, learning about myself, and ultimately use that as a tool, and learn from it. Experience it, and appreciate the literature, or the storyline of the game. Like movies, I feel I can escape and I can just get a taste of fantasy.
Life overall has been so good to me. I feel I know who I am and I feel thats something very difficult to achieve. So many people have a hard time to find who they are and it took me this long to realize who I am. I'm just a fucken Artist, and I love the ARTS! Its just that simple and thats why I love the certain things that I like. Games, the arts, movies, acting, writing, poetry, stories, literature, manga, history, politics, KNOWLEDGE! I feel like I want to conserve the arts. I never what it to ever go away. I feel that if we lived in a world that took that away, I truly believe I do not want to live in that world. I wouldn't know what to do, like being lost in a labyrinth in the mind, trapped forever and you yourself do not understand why your not happy. But a world without art would be a tragedy far greater than any tragedy Shakespeare can write.
Life has been treating me well, mbt been good, and life's been all changed a whole 180 degrees from the Marine Corps days. Its great to laugh about my memories now. Makes me humble to know where I have been and to respect the common folks of how hard we all work to live in this great city we all call the City of Angels. I truly believe that, that this city is full of so much culture that makes us so unique that no other place can compare. Trust me, I been to a lot of places and I still love Los Angles. No matter where I go, Los Angeles will be always be in heart because I will always remember my friends, and thats what matters, the hopes and dreams we shared in the City of Angels... Current Mood: liberated
|Thursday, September 9th, 2010|
Rough day, its been a rough week because of the whole holiday on Labor Day. Everything feels out of wack and I'm trying to get a hold of a schedule so I can make things happen. About a million things are just going through my head and I'm just trying to make it happen to live life to the fullest and the most profitable too. Still trying to hustle and get some work done.
The big thing that I'm very upset about is my writing. Here I am wanting to be a writer in school learning the trade and I haven't even wrote a story. I have so many ideas but part of me just can't seem to write shit down. Is it me or am I just easily distracted. I know I'm easily distracted because I have so much shit that I just want to take care of.
I love my Garden so I want to take care of the plants. I love my Eve Online because I want to help out my Corp mates because of the years I put in, playing an online game that I have establish deep trust and relationship with. I want to play Starcraft II because I want to get better and its a good feeling when theres a mass of Marines taking down Roid Rays. I just want to be true to myself because I love playing these games. Its a part of what makes me Tino and I can't just deny that.
But at the same time trying to juggle my life, I still hang and take care my girlfriend because I love her. I enjoy my time with her and my life is just crazy. Sometimes even she drives me crazy. Its a two way street because I know I drive her crazy so thats how we love each other. LOL were just Crazy for each other.
So on top of School I'm not angry because I have to do a lot, I'm just adamant in taking care of shit. I'm in a work mode Tino and I know to get to point B I have to do steps 1,2,3. Its just that Marine Corps attitude to get it done, no matter what the time is. I don't know if I can do it because I know I'm easily distracted. Theres just so many ideas and I need to write the shit down. Thats why I'm writing in this journal now because I have to write my thoughts down. Theres just too many times that I have great ideas and I don't write anything down and I get no where. I need to write and thats why I need to write in my journal to release that tension.
I know I can be a writer, I have the will and the passion. I can do it because its just a matter of how powerful an "IDEA" is. An idea is so powerful that it can take hold a person to become something big. Ever since I watch the movie "Inception" I am convince that I can make things happen. How powerful a story like "Inception" can change an idea of what is real and what is not. The big thing I believe is that with any idea, someone can use that idea to become so powerful, if you just put your mind to it. Thats why a mind is just a terrible thing to waste. I think that statement doesn't do any justice because when your young, I couldn't comprehend the idea of being something great. We live in a society where sometime people tell you your limited to do certain things, and then you start believing that. Its like Big Brother controlling you to be a worker bee. I have the idea that anyone can be great but you have to believe in yourself to be great. It starts there...
Self suffering doesn't establish true feeling of the human spirit. Being true to your self is the idea of being great.
"What is the most resilient parasite? Bacteria? A virus? An intestinal worm? An idea. Resilient... highly contagious. Once an idea has taken hold of the brain it's almost impossible to eradicate. An idea that is fully formed - fully understood - that sticks; right in there somewhere." -Dom Cobb
With this "idea" of positivity it has not stere me wrong, and all I can do is give my positivity to others. I hope my attitude can continue so I can make a difference in making people find their true self... Current Mood: tired
|Tuesday, August 24th, 2010|
|Going on 25...
It was very humbling to receive so many happy birthday greetings from so many people. I can see from all the people that gave me a birthday wishes the memories I had of them in my head.
I never forget how each one of you touch my life in some way for the good. Its been a long rode for me. First it was High School, then the Marine Corps, then Iraq, and finally I'm a civilian going to school on the GI Bill.
Life is good and life has be hard, but I have always try to go through life with the best attitudes. If not I will face my fears with my struggles with my self and with my flaws. Life has been interesting and it takes a lot out of you when you gets your ups and your downs. I realize through life that there are so many philosophies out there and ideas that shape the man or woman we want to be.
Those ideas is a matter of how we look at our perspective. A perspective in how we perceive the world in our own minds. If you look at life as a dog eat dog world then you will face a negativity toward people. A sense of wanting power and a wanting of self worth through the monetary things like money. I think when I look at the times I get fixated to the early 50s to the 70s. During a time where life was just simpler. As we go toward to the 21st century I get a sense of digress because of how far our society try to push the envelope of technology. I.E. Facebook
This recession seems to be the testimonial of that struggle as I continue to see how our society grasp the concept of this "Great Recession" So what is this "Great Recession" that we hear, what is this chance of a double dip recession. Politico say were out, some say were going to go back in. We just don't know what the future lies but I see the future to be a great reckoning one day.
I would recall the hope views of yesterdays and how the days of good times shapes the futures of tomorrow. Why is it that I get a sense of futility in the market. A sense that a college education doesn't always guarantee a job even on a small level.
I always seen a flaw to my peers when I went to High School that was just doing public activities to look good for the colleges. I would hear it all the times, I'm just in this club because I can look good so I can go to a 4 year College. That statement has always scared me because I always found myself to be intelligent but I never got supported on things I wanted to do in life. It was always the "Asian Way" to go to school for a high paying job. I guess as I'm seeing, a way up the social ladder with money and monetary things. I never understood the "Asian Way" of doing things. It felt like it was backwards, it felt like it was, "not real" when I grew up in High School. Even with all the council I had with my brother, my parents and my friends, they told me not to go to the Marine Corps which I refuse to not listen.
Looking back in the Marine Corps I use to be a kid with so much wonders and regretted and being 25 I see that I was just being Tino. A stupid stubborn little kid that didn't know any better to see that I've always had the potential to be something great. There was no persona, there was no pretending to be someone else when I was in High School. The only thing I could do was to be me. Back in that age that's the only thing I can cherish the most, growing up with disapproving parents I seem to be forged by the baptism of fire to shape what I am now. The ego that was develop through the trials of blaming myself for nothing.
At 25 I think I am mature to see a sense of difference of who I was in the past and who I am to the present, I could only imagine who I am in the future but it always changes. Its funny how life takes you sometimes, sometime for the worst and sometime for the better, but what I find in life is that you have to take life with the balls. Ride it like a roller coaster or play it like a game. We all lose sometime but you practice and keep playing. With time, eventually we'll all get better, we will all get better especially after were done with this recession. I think hopeful because all we have is each other guys. Thank you all for the things you guys have taught me.
Now that I'm 25, its all down hill from here...
|Sunday, August 15th, 2010|
|Lost Entry Random Ramblings
Its been a long time since I wrote, it feels like I use to write so easily but as time keeps ticking I feel that my writing has not come to me as usual. Maybe I am changing but I am different now. I have a girlfriend and my life has change because of her. Not in a bad way but in a good way because of the way I see life in a different perspective.
At the same time I find myself self much more mature and more in peace with the inner demons of Tino. The idea of this character I embedded as Nartapura's Chosen. Who is Nartapura's Chosen? I always ask myself that question and I can only imagine an image of myself that is just cold. Cold as the coldest ice in the world. I would imagine the cold like the core under the Antartic. It makes me wonder how I made a personality but it is the truth. There came a time where I made a persona to save myself from hell. Either it was the Marine Corps or family I found myself doing what I needed to do to be my own man.
As coming out of the Corps I felt the lessons I learn from the core is so valuable. Now I understood the hard days of work on my knees scrubbing the bathroom floor was all about. All the bullshit and spit given to me to be strong will to task any man can face. It was a will with confidence that was borderline arrogant. It was the persona of the Marine Corps, that they program us to think even if we were wrong. With every bad thing comes to the good, it made me take risk and take chances that some people got scared to do.
Maybe I'm just too trusting but I just wanted to be a leader in my head.
|Monday, August 9th, 2010|
|Producing House Arrest
It feels like a life time since I last wrote in the journal, I think I have been having too much fun with Shelley. Its good to get things rolling again on my break from the summer. Life has been in so many twist and turns and I find myself not ready to stop. I find myself either busy playing games, hustling, or hustling even more. My mind can't stop and I keep going with the flow and making things happen with hard work and determination.
During the past couple of days me and a couple of friends got together to make a web series. To even produce something this small require a leap of faith and most of all it requires money. To risk any type of money seems crazy on an idea, because with hard times and the recession some people don't even have money. But I trusted my friends blindly because I believed in them. I had faith in them that this project is worth the quality of their hard work.
Over the next couples of days I would see a group of individuals that impress not only me but even themselves. People coming together to make the comedy work. Making a piece of script come to life right before my eyes. Working on the set can be hectic but while I was on set, I felt we were in charge. We set the tone and everyone was being professional. I been to a couple of sets and it never went as smooth as this. It was great to see how a tight ship can be when you got the right people working for you on the set. It just becomes a fun experience rather than work.
I saw myself thinking out loud the potential of this project. Not for a matter of profit, but for the matter of popularity. If we can even get popular then the time wouldn't be wasted and if doesn't it was still a great experience. I'm really happy on how this project turned out. I can't wait to see it come together and all I can do is hope for the best. It was a pleasure and thank you guys. I look forward to Season 2...
Producer "House Arrest"
|Friday, February 12th, 2010|
I'm hear sittings listen to Elton John just singing his heart life of about someone saving his life. I feel an euphoria that even when I can feel the presence of God in the world. I feel so happy because I'm listening to this song and I can hear every beat, sounds, and hits of this beautiful piano clearly from a magicians fingers. Elton John is so crazy, because this song is so hard, especially with no paper in front of him and he's just doing both singing and playing the piano. I mean holy crap this man is just so skills, its like skillz with a "Z". I mean mother fucken Zed. Even when he's hitting all those high notes too without missing a beat.
This song is so pleasant to me because I love life. I don't have the money that I would imagine but part of me is just happier because it lets me appreciate what I have. Appreciate that I have it good. I'm so lucky to be alive in this world. Even in this great recession I'm not sad. I feel in a way I become what I always wanted to be. A simple man to enjoy the simple pleasures of what God gives me.
I repeat the song but in a clearer tune I wish I can live this time forever. I feel as I will give anything to keep it like this forever because I love her. Thinking about my games, I tend to start to love my online world again. Just as before I was playing World of Warcraft alone and lonely. Now I'm playing Eve Online without loneliness. Now even with my girlfriend I still can be myself. Doing things together that I never would imagine I would love to do. Cooking, exercising, eating, and having a partnership. I was always alone and now I finally I have someone to go to church with. It makes me happy to go to Church with someone because I'm not always too religious at my best of my ability, but I always wonder if I can worship him with someone I love. Now I do and I'm so bless.
I'm very happy and its Valentine Days soon and I'm doing good enjoying life. Life's been so good to me and I'm thankful. Current Mood: happy
|Monday, February 1st, 2010|
On the brink of tomorrow, the days has past by and for some reason I'm still standing. Still standing between Heaven and Hell and how lucky I am to be alive. As I start my first weeks of school I wonder how I got here. I have been bless that everyday is a good day. I been the happiest I have been on my own term and no other.
Life after the Marine Corps hasn't been easy but I think I made it okay in my baptism of fire. My Sergeant Major use to say that as long as I had an idea on what I wanted to do I would be okay. Even though I don't have a job since I been back I think fate finally put me on the right direction on taking my first take in school. To get the education I need to be successful in the future.
All the time I was in the military I was getting ahead, I was moving forward. Making the money, paying the bill, and buying junk. The days can't get any better than the times spending with the boys playing drunken poker or taking shots of Southern Comfort. Those were the Marine Corps days. Living the life of the Jersey Shore hitting up girls and maybe getting a few one night stands. The days were limitless and the money keep coming in as long as we were working for the man.
Working for the man thought me discipline, taught me about the man, and taught me how to be humble in the things I had. A paycheck every two week and enough time to drink our sorrows away to our fallen comrades that had been gone from present wars or wars from the past.
You never forget about being a Marine and you never forget where you came from. It all started with those yellow footprints. Looking back at 6 to 7 years of my life, I was in a state of a dream. I was like running in a circle. I wasn't getting ahead or going back either. I love my country very much and the time I spent in the Marine Corps seem to be a blast in the past. Like having crazy stories of Japan, the Tsunami, 29 Palms, or just Marine stories.
Yet moving forward for me has been a step back for the good. Away from the fast track, and away from the ambition that drove me insane. Like in boxing, sometime you need to take a step back to assess your situation so you can move forward for that final punch. I think I'm at those crossing roads because of what I have been through these past 6 -7 years.
I'm moving forward with my life in a sense of living everyday slowly. Enjoying what I enjoy best and doing things that I never had growing up. Like good cooking, riding a bicycle, reading a book, or even enjoy school. Thats something I never enjoyed was school. Something about school just drove me mad, drove me insane, and gave me nightmares.
It would be the same nightmare and same nasty feeling you get like someone in your family just died. It would be a dream that always haunt me as failing a test or not doing good enough. Coming from a demanding family I think I got so indoctrinated in doing so well that I got afraid in even attempting to succeed because even in the past when I did succeeded it still wasn't good enough. Even looking back from the art I did in school, like photography or taking pictures for the year book, I was proud of my work. Yet the person that brought me up and scolded on me, told me I was never good enough. Yet he couldn't imagine what the economy would be 6-7 years ahead of time.
Even though I could of went to school instead of the military, I found the last place I thought I would be in, would be my home. I didn't have a family when I was growing up. I had a broken home, with broken dreams, and debt that fueled the economy to what it is today. Credit card debt, car debt, mortgage debt, and even student loan debt. If I'm wrong then why is the unemployment so high around the country?
The choices I made are not by chance, the choices I made are choices that have a strings of issues that complicate the choices that makes me who I am today. Yet every choice I made I do not regret because they were always my choice. I have always listen to peoples advice, but at the end I'm the one that lives with that choice even if its right or wrong. I don't regret anything I did because I believe I'm moving forward in my terms and in my life.
I can honestly say I'm happy with my life. Probably the happiest as far as I can remember. So as far as I know I'm moving forward. Current Mood: hungry
|Sunday, November 22nd, 2009|
|Getting Left 4 Dead Again...
I'm at a point of the rat race where I'm stuck in the middle. I'm not ahead and I'm not behind but I have to remind myself that I still got more years and challenges ahead of me, so I can't just sprint all the way to the finish line. Being on my own finally for the first time, I realize that there's a lot of things I have to take care before I move to the next level of expertise. Looking at the numbers of the Forex I can see up and down candles of the US Dollar, taking a dump in what I call America's dump.
Yet even though people say we are recovering, we still got a long road ahead. I then ponder how the hell have I survive so long, is it luck or is it just the sense of survival.
I tend to believe that the Zombie Horde is coming but then maybe I'm just playing too much Left 4 Dead 2 on the computer and on the Xbox. I seem to already finish all the campaigns on PC and moving toward the Xbox 360 so I can hopefully play with Jon on a session on Left 4 Dead. But ironically we still haven't played and my crappy Xbox seem to take a crap at the best time.
Working through this job market I understand that the market is not good but that doesn't stop me from surviving what I call the best years of my life. Some might call this a crappy time in American History but being in my generation I feel that this experience will only make us stronger as a whole. Of course your going to have a few, or maybe I'm wrong as a majority, losing a lot of money, and being in debt in time to come. But I still believe the strong will survive and if I can be one of those strong ones to survive this ordeal I think I will be richer and most importantly wiser in years to come.
I feel I am on the right track but at the same time I find myself stuck in that zone. Being Left 4 Dead and it is a matter of taking it in your own hands to be successful. There is no hand out and if there is, I don't want it because I been through too much to just end it here. I come to terms to be happy in the small things in life and found the best thing I cherish is my time with my girlfriend eating Pho or feeding the ducks at the park. Even with all the sessions of gaming and experience in the Marine Corps, the simple things makes me appreciate how lucky I am to be with her, and the time I still have in this rat race.
I'm just so competitive, its seems to be in my nature to be competitive, from sports, to video games, to just anything. I don't like to fail or fall but at the same time, falling making me understand how humble I am, and how humble I use to be. I lost sight of that as I came back I feel and its not because I shouldn't be happy, but when your alone over there in the desert I think the desert sort of make you crazy. Because the war is not always against zombies, or human beings. Sometimes the biggest war is in the self. The war within that you can't let go or something you go through because how isolated you are in Iraq or in any war zone.
It has taken me some time to adjust to the civilian world, and its just funny how even though we feel sometimes think that the world evolve on you. It just doesn't because the world is so small and you meet people for a reason and sometimes even meet people you haven't seen for years out of the blue. I don't feel its chance or a probability of seeing an old high school mate in High School at the same base in Iraq. Or doing some temp work and meeting another old friend from high school on a odd Saturday. I think it means something, I think its something that justify that we are not alone out there in this struggle.
I love Los Angeles, I love it with all my heart. Something about it is so beautiful, from the sunny sky and great weather. Its not just the weather, but its the people you meet. Wither its the assholes on the roads or the faithful fans of your favorite sports team. Los Angeles seems to be the land of fame and excess. Its that dream that we love Los Angeles, I truly feel we love the struggle. Why else would we want to live in a man made ozone layer that is literally killing us and having a job market thats so low that people are losing jobs left and right. There has to be a reason and I think that were all fucked up in the head somehow. Or were just trying to pick up the pieces. For the most part I think we will be all right because sometimes being Left 4 Dead is okay. Sometime we just got to kill dem sumofbitches to make our own path to salvation... Current Mood: anxious
|Friday, June 19th, 2009|
|Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion
As I grow tired with the wait, I head toward the flight deck with bad odds and a dust storm just waiting to be born. The time here in Iraq has been a long one and yet even though the light of the end of the tunnel is near I still grow tired with the flight schedual that the military has. It requires patience and it requires a lot of luck. Luckyly I found myself stuck sleeping on wooden logs with the light in the room shining bright on me. The light beams in my head so I can't sleep as I wait for hours on end trying to get my place back home.
I'm number 24 on the list as the Marines have priority to go home than me. I started my journey at 10 pm and I lay awake till I saw the sun came up. I couldn't find myself to sleep because if there was a chance to hop on a bird I was going to take it. The Marines left and I was lucky enough for the weather to clear a little as I took my flight to Ala Sad. In arabic it means the Lion. As I finally headed here I found peace with the better base and one step closer to Kuwait. Even if I don't find a flight I can get a chance to home, away from work and away from all the bull shit. Its just a matter of time until I get out of here and thats where luck plays along.
I arrive just in time to find a flight to Kuwait in a couple of hours, enough time to get some food in my stomach, enough time to get something to eat, and enough time to reflect on the time here. I grow tired from each minunte and I'm just tired of this country. Maybe theres hope in California. Like the good old days of the Grapes of Wrath, they say theres no work in California but I beg to differ, I beg to wish that California and I look opptimistic. So until I meet again. Lets fly out of Iraq...
|Thursday, June 18th, 2009|
|Prince of Persia: Sands of Time
On the brink of timing, the sands of time that hits my face tells me that my time here is coming to an end but not over. A huge sand storm hit us hard, and its the hardest I have ever seen it. I think it was the desert telling me that I wasn't meant to come back yet, or maybe it just that I have to think of what the future may hold. Today I hit my 330 days of being on country of Iraq. Which is a good thing because after this day, nothing is really holding me back but even as you plan things, I feel that the sand storm is telling me that I can't anticipate the future because life have bigger things that can change your future in the blink of an eye.
The journey back home I hope will be the most easiest part of this whole job opportunity I have but I suppose its not the case. Being here for a year, you kind of get use to life here in Iraq. Day in and day out the time past and the days become weeks, and the weeks become months. The sun doesn't shine to brightly today because I still can see the haze of dust floating in the air. I can't even see the sun but the light shine slowly through the dust. Its really nasty outside and its just makes me wonder how people can live in a forsaken country like Iraq.
Yet even in this country I can sense a presence of God talking me to through the desert, As the storm came gushing in, I felt the Wrath of God coming down as the thunder stroke and the dust consume us all with wind and earth. Its amazing how a force of nature can stop a whole base and let alone a whole region. The storm was so bad I was just blind in front of me and I couldn't see what was 5 feet of me.
But yet the Sands of Times comes and go and I have to wait patiently. I know mentally I'm just done, I don't even want to work anymore as I feel like I'm a zombie and the heart is not there anymore. Yet people tell me about the economy being bad I just feel that what can I do to help. Sit here make more money and hate my life or come home and find peace. I feel that I deserve a break with all the hard work I put in and even with the time I put in with the Corps this future I have been building has been built and won't be made if I continue to keep working. I find what profit is it in me if I have all the money in the world and I have no one to spend it with. I wouldn't give it to my family because whats more important to me isn't my family, but yet my family to me is my friends.
My close friends that struggle in California and the endless struggle of the city of Los Angeles. A hefty smog that pollutes the air but yet I see a sense of hope with the time that comes in. You sense that this city needs to celebrate with the Lakers winning a championship and hopefully the Dodgers will come through next. But as time progress you can't but help remember the desert, of what it has taught me. They say to trust the desert but not trust it completely. But I feel as the desert knows me and like my friends here in Iraq they will miss me as I tell them that people back home miss me too. I know I bring light in peoples lives, its no secret and I know I enjoy doing it too. I feel that I haven't given much time to the ones I love and I feel thats whats important to me. Not money or fame, that's why I need to come back. Not being of my future or my wallet, but give support to those I care about because at the end, thats what matter to me. Until this storm dies down I know I have faith I will be coming home soon.
|Sunday, May 31st, 2009|
What is peace, Peace comes with the word that has no violence, but sometimes violence is necessary to keep things in order. Life as it seem and time keep slipping away. Days past and I don't try to look at the past but the past sometimes haunts you till the day you die. The summer days are just starting and the temperature of Iraq has led the summer nights to a mere 80 degrees. As I try to look at the stars I see a haze blocking the crescent moon as I try to look for the Big Dipper or other constellations. Time has past well and something is telling me that my time here is almost to an end.
Thinking that tomorrow will be a better day, my campaign here in Iraq hasn't been a bad one, making easy money, and easy going people to work with. What makes this deployment great isn't just the work that I do, but the people that I work for, and work with. Time and time again, you get a sense of belonging with the people you work, sleep, and eat with. You get a sense that its a family that shares the fights and the work that comes in from a day to day basis, and that is what makes us a family.
I try to answer life's questions over here in Iraq, and I feel confident that I can fully understand them in the most humble point of view. The days of tomorrow seem endless and the future limitless, yet sometime I wonder how life would be better and what goals I would want to achieve. It is like the part of Los Angeles that I have in my head that I love so dear. Yet people hate it, and I love it because to me Los Angeles is home. It will always be home and Hacienda Heights will be home to me.
I try not to compare myself to other people but I always wish I could know what people are doing back home. The struggles they have and the issues of what California brings. Working for peace I would always say is why I work so hard. To work so hard and live an honest life. A good man in my eyes to try to do the right things with the right intentions. To understand and give back to a community that some might not have the chance to do.
I wonder what goes through my head sometimes, I try to do things more than the power of one man. To think about the future and the goals set better than myself. Spending times and years to promote gloriously to my time for my Country and this state. Yet at times peace. The longing of a better tomorrow and everyday seems to be better each day. I feel satisfied and happy and yet I feel others don't feel the same way.
Maybe I'm just syndical in my own sense, and I'm not better than anyone else. That I am the one that is in the lows. But the sense of opportunity never change and I have lost touch to so many people I grew up in High School and yet the memories in High School has lost me. Maybe it was that I wasn't so close to anyone in High School. The days I live was some short of an outcast and yet I dream to one day make a difference to get some short of notoriety of where I came from. Maybe is that I'm still unsure of myself. Life seem to be a life learning experience and I still have lots to learn. Some people call me wise, some people call me kind, some call me cold hearted. But at times I am who I am with the lessons I learn in life. A man thats just trying to make a difference in his part of his world. To one day find peace...
|Tuesday, May 26th, 2009|
|The End of May, 2009
It is the End of May and my contract is almost up with my time here in Iraq. Most of the goals that I plan on doing I did on a timely matter. I came here with the optimism of saving a good capital to the future and leaving here without the debt of credit cards or debt over my shoulders. My time here is coming to the end and even though I am almost finish I find myself a little uneasy with the smell of success. I guess I am in a way afraid of success, trying to wonder the common man and feel for my friends and family that are struggling. I can't seem to comprehend the differences yet most of my friends live in California its hard for everyone in California.
Especially for California being as broke as it seem and how much in debt they are in, the cost of living is high and the unemployment continue to rise. 2009 doesn't look as optimistic as I imagine, comparing to 2008 2009 look like its getting better but its still not at the level of wellness. Sometimes I ponder about the future, and sometimes I look at the past, but I don't look at the past as often as I use to.
I seem to banish the past with the high hopes I have in the future but I notice some of the struggles of the people in California, I can't but help be lucky where I stand in my point in my life. 24 years old I find myself in a crossroad again, trying to stray away from the military but I still find myself in duty and on call.
The changes I had endure here was steady but the time here seem to be priceless and even though I have been gone for a year, it doesn't seem much has change back home. Couple heartaches but a matter of hopes and wishes gone with cries of thought that goes through my head.
You know sometimes I feel I want to feel what my friends are going through back home, the endless struggle of life, because sometimes I feel life has bless me, but on the other hand, I know that I have made a lot of sacrifices that only few has in the remembrance of this Memorial Day.
I remember as a kid I didn't really look much about Memorial Day, I took it as a kid as another day off so I can play my video games. Yet today is different because sleeping on the hot desert of Iraq, I can understand the homesick feeling of what it is to be an American. A proud American that I'm more proud to be an American than my actual ethic group. Long more that I look for a sense of belonging in my life and that the Marine Corps has given me that feeling that at least I have accomplish something in my life and it has given me thanks in this trouble time.
Yet even though I'm okay I can't help not be satisfied with my success still. Time comes and go and as I notice friends come and go and things change because even though I bring a positive attitude in life, I have been taking care of me and not the family. Makes me wonder what kind of friend I am but in the same time, it is me that is taking care of business. No one has ever given me a free ride, I seem to be my own person when it comes to making my success. And that right there is why I am proud to be an American without the help of owing someone. Yet part of me know that I am almost finish and its just a matter of time. Maybe God knows why but I can only hope to see the city lights soon. The city that I love, the city of angels.
|Sunday, May 17th, 2009|
|Why Do I Work So Hard?
Sometimes I ask myself this question. Its not a a matter of life, or reason, but I put myself in position that puts me to the test. A test among friends and family that brings myself to tears sometime. Sometimes I am happy and sometimes I am sad, but in reality I don't believe that I would do it any different if I had it any other way. The life I have given are choices that were made in the past and made for the future. The present is sort of like a gift when people will say it but I put myself in situation that brings myself to other situations.
I suppose that is how life is, a set of trial and errors that makes a human being human. We are not perfect, yet when you look at it, there are different choices we can make it, to make it right or wrong. A matter of free will says the book, but its the choices I made to be where I am at. I work so damn hard sometimes because sometimes I feel that is all that I know. A time of peace is not in my comprehension. I remember when I had all the time in the world to relax I felt down and depress, but when I had stress in my life I felt that I was alive.
A thrill seeker and an adventurer, a life that only I know and a life that in times can be lonely. I guess I work so hard when I always foresaw a goal that was in my life. A life in the City of Angeles where the grass is green and the life is high. The simple life as what people would call it. Its funny with all the things people have I think people always refer to the simple life to live life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. That slogan alone seem to say a lot of what America is about. A life in the pursuit of happiness, is what I'm always looking for. I think its what everyone wants down dear in their heart.
You know, no drama, be happy, be content, and have what you want. If that means party in the clubs with 20 beautiful girls, or a white picket fence with a dog name skit and a beautiful wife. Success is just a matter in your head my buddy would say, and he's right thats its all in your head, but I find myself lost in my success, because in reality I don't know what is success. I seem to find myself alone at times and when I find my success with myself, I found that I would love to share that success with someone. Anyone one to be exact, and I guess its that sense of belonging that everyone tries to find.
I guess thats how life is suppose to be, an endless struggle that people live for. To hopefully that tomorrow will be a better day.
|Saturday, May 9th, 2009|
|Forgive and Forget
On the brink of baseball history the Dodgers seem to come in gun blazing, winning 13 games at home. A Major League Baseball all time modern record that sets the most wins in Baseball history. With Mannywood on our side there was nothing stopping us. Our pitching was lacking but the Dodgers supported the runs. Our force was to be reckon with as the cheers of Dodgers stadium was heard all the way to Yankee's stadium as the the crowd of New York chanted "We want Torre". Our faithful fans in Los Angeles stay true blue to the Dodgers as we cheered loudly every night to win. News broke out later that day that Mannywood would be suspended for 50 games. A day that even so I was greedy, I can't help but feel sad.
As the market made a good turn around yesterday on Bank of America and Citi group, Wall street seem to be please with what the economy is going regardless of the statistics of the stress test or the unemployment. Yet we sometime forgive and forget at what may happen and how history look at these days.
I can't but help but forgive Mannywood for his wrong doing. As a faithful Dodgers fan I am true to my player, and utterly disappointed at what he may cause our season. Even though I believe we are a strong team, its hard to say that our team will be miss without Mannywood. Yet even though I can forgive Mannywood for his mistakes, every man has made their own mistakes.
Yet I can't help be angry with two individuals that I have known most of my life. Those people would be my brother, and my old friend Terence. Just like Mannywood disappointing us with his ordeal and Torre and Ned bailing him out on the conference, you can't help be cheated as a fan that he would disappoint us like that. But yet I can't bring myself to forgive or forget about the past. Its as part of me is punishing himself to try to understand what brought these two people to where they are at and how I failed them.
That is what goes through my mind sometimes, because of how they have hurt me in the past, and in the present. I want to forgive and forget but I know I am just not ready, even for what I have accomplish here in Iraq. There is still a lot of unfinished business that I have to take care over here, and back home in Los Angeles. Even when I have heard them apologize to me, part me wanted them to know something. Something very clear, and that is how disappointed I was. At all the faults, I know I will forgive them and as I myself have to forgive myself.
I am not perfect, not all knowing or better than anyone. I'm not better than certain individuals because I have this thing people chase called money. But I am bless and understand that I do have feelings and I know others should be respected as well. I know I am not right for saying things I have done in the past but I know that I wasn't ready to confront certain issues with emotion flaring, just as my emotion is flaring with the whole Mannywood issue. Its not fair for me to say certain things without finishing a job over here in Iraq until its over. My job is almost finish and when I'm finish I know I will have to face these two people one way or another and I understand that I may not like it. Its just a matter of time until I get home and when I get home then I can call Iraq goodbye. But until then, I will have to keep on working... Current Mood: aggravated
|Saturday, April 11th, 2009|
|London and waiting
As I embark my journey back to Iraq, I must say that this vacation was better than I expected. With a lot of careful planning I found my way back home a week early, hoped on a cruise for a week and still manage some time to see my friend. Sadly I didn't see all my friends but I saw most. I resolved most of the issues I had to take care of and finish problems that lingered around to a close.
I really had a great vacation, with family and friends happy to see me and with a few hiccups I still manage to pull through seize the day. Time management was key to my success and careful planning but as I head back to reality I sort of look back at the hopes and dreams. I could of not image it to end the way it ended but I am still satisfied with the ending like a new movie that came out.
I lost a friend but made new ones. Lost a connection to some love ones but made new ones too. Its funny how the ending of one friendship can turn to the beginning to another. Still as optimistic with the friends that know me best, people was just was glad to see me. To put a smile in their face and people knew I was a good guy. The thing was that my journey is far from over. As people may seem I am on top I have to carefully be humble that I still have to face a lot of trials in life to be successful.
I believe that is part of key ingredients to success. To know that you know what you are talking about but to also understand to be humble to people that are struggling in these hard times. But it goes both ways, I have accomplish so much with so little time sometimes I feel that I am not worthy of these accomplishments. Such as the money or the glory, but only one can imagine what I have gone through during the years of the past.
If it was getting out of the house from my father, joining the Marines, and now Iraq. I know I have live a lonely life and I have accepted it not because I am not a good guy, but accepted that I am devoted to my work and that is why I am who I am.
As I was on the cruise, I made people smile, I made people laugh, more importantly they had a good time because of me. Some even said I was the highlight of the cruise. I was the life of the party and I didn't realize that until now. I just feed on the energy of other people. That's the energy that I need to get that natural high to love life. Thats a big reason why I'm not too fond to negative people because honestly life is too beautiful to think about money, school, or economy.
As I come back to reality, I can't just help be sadden by my family and friends. Even loves ones that I care about but can't see because of my duty. Sometimes I feel its a sort of selfishness to leave but at the same time, my true friends want me to go as I want them to go too and move on with their lives.
I guess as I grow up I am very fond in people growing up, and part of growing up is letting people go. Letting them grow to the person they want to be. Not holding them back and holding grudges to stay back home. I remember the statistics to the Marines that joined the Marine Corps and they were always people like me coming from small towns trying to get away from it. I find it that I wanted to get out. I wanted to see the world, and during these 6 to 8 years gone, I realize that you grow so much than being in Hacienda Heights going to school, just stuff that school doesn't teach you. Especially being alone you learn a lot about your self esteem and be stronger as a man. Thats just why I just take no crap from no one anymore. I sound arrogant at times, but hey giving your soul and life for the state is a big deal. You sort of lose your freedoms of what it means to be free. I know only a few of us know what that means but thats just why I am the way I am.
Overall I just try to be humble mate, more and more I see people that either be successful and drift away but I know at the end we will all end up together again. I use to say that when I was graduating high school and as I stand now as a man I can truly feel that. I don't feel as empty anymore because I feel the love and support of the ones that matter the most. Even with the new friends I have met on the cruise, I feel that I felt a deep connection with so many and touch the lives of so many. The way I look at it, if any relationship is meant to happen, the two forces will meet up again. Especially in the year of the Facebook, its hard to not find lost friends and connections.
Like I said again, I have so mountains to climb and I'm waiting for the next challenge so until we meet again...
|Monday, February 23rd, 2009|
My past entries were always about the past and as I grow older, I'm starting to realize that I'm looking forward to the future. I don't know if many people can say that but when I look at the future I look at the options that anyone of us can take.
The options are hard, sometimes simple, sometimes its just complicated. What ever life brings to me, sometimes maybe its just destiny that brings people together. The life that one takes to him self is predetermine or a matter of choice.
As I get closer and closer to the end of my contract, the economy is finally catching up to me as job security is raise in the air. The future to this job is in jeopardy and as some panic, I stay resolve. An omen of great news or bad news. The difference with this omen is that its doesn't matter what the future hold anymore. Not to me, because of the work and effort I have proven to myself. Choices I have made and done, people question, people advise, and people trust in me.
My life hasn't been too hard but at the same time my life haven't been too easy. I think people tend to forget that the world around them is just there and the small things that people tend to forget is what matters. Life in general has been good to me and what else can I ask for.
Sometimes I just sit a little and think about my philosophy, my self centered, my stubbornness, my goals. Why does it matter, and I will have that feeling of nihilism in my head. I tend to forget that my money doesn't matter, or the girls, or the play. Its just that I'm so tired at times at looking at the future and setting up the future. I think I have setup the future so well that I haven't made a flaw that the only mistake is that flaw.
I been playing it conservative but as I envy my friends that at home playing football, or just hanging out. I find it funny how I am doing it all backwards. I'll come back people will have their degrees and be looking for a job, while I'll be going to school and have no loans.
It is funny, if someone ask me what my future holds, I can tell them in a blink of an eye. The problem is sometimes I just don't want to know. The fear of unknowing seem to be what drives myself to do a lot of great things. The fear, the anxiety, and the excitement. Using it for the positive, rather than the negative.
I'm looking for that destiny still, I searched for it in High School, I searched it in the Marine Corps, I've searched for it in Iraq and the sandy storms told me of great dreams and great wars for things to come. A dream that was the beginning of my life that I will prove to myself. One day I will be famous and people will one day know my name.
I know it is hard to come by but I get there sooner or later because I'm determine. That is what my future hold... Current Mood: accomplished
|Saturday, February 7th, 2009|
|Think of Home
The thought of the economy has hit us hard as we progress to the future with President Obama in office. The chance is for me to hit the stock market while I tend to see what going to happen to the future. As we sit here in Iraq, me and my co workers can't help think about home.
Not that were home sick, but the struggles of family and friends has affected someone that we know back home. With unemployment on the rise and debt going down to history. People are on a struggle and the people are trying to do their best to survive.
Life is not what it seem, money seem to rule everything but at the same token, even that seem to have failed this economy with the greed and the scandals. Found Salmonella outbreak to Michael Phelps drug scandal. We find ourself in a big dilemma that even the war of Iraq and the Afghanistan is the tip of the ice berg. As we as Americans try to find hope in the different states we live in. Can we find truth in our self to survive in this country.
What Americans are suffering is a matter of putting their families to the test and I think only the strong will survive, its like a finically darwinism mechanism that will make individuals to new heights. The weak sadly will fall and fail.
The problem with the economy is not the president or the war its a matter that it has effect us mentally and hard. Financially were losing and we must find truth. I sort of lose sleep not because I'm okay or my family is okay, but its because I know too many people struggling and even more that I don't know that are suffering too. A few of us over here can't sleep and in the end what can you do?
Being pragmatic doesn't seem to help and optimism doesn't either. Were all losing sleep here and there not really a remedy, all we can do its to save money and let the chips fall as they may... Current Mood: angry
|Thursday, December 25th, 2008|
|Merry Christmas Jesus
Happy Birthday Jesus. As a Christian I suppose I need to show more respect on this day but its hard when your not at home going to church. For the most part I found myself trying to find peace with myself with the time I am given. I can't say how lucky I am to land this job and on the same token how lucky I am to help people that are in need. I been taken care a lot of business and as the time past I feel like I have gotten wiser.
Maturity has been key in my life and I figure that my life seem to be successful because of my honest action. What else can I say during Christmas time. TO be honest I not a big fan of Christmas, not because I want to be a grinch but I feel that Christmas time has become a consumer holiday. A day where as a consumer we need to buy gifts for people. Even though i was probably one of the most generous, like I said before I'm a giver not a taker. As long as I get a card or someone was thinking about me, my heart warms that someone is out there that cares about me.
But on the point I was trying to get across. I really find myself usually working in Christmas, its either the Marine Corps or its my family. During Christmas I can't remember a time that my family actually use that time to do nothing. It was seem to me in my memories it was always a time where we always had to do some type of work and we fought. Or people acted nice just because it was Christmas. I don't know but I think out of the 365 days in a year, I try to be nice the whole year. I always had an argument that we should be nice and giving everyday of the year not just December. Its like New Year resolutions that die hard and to me being nice for a month is pointless if the other 330 days your a total asshole.
Sorry to make it a numbers game but its true. One needs to find it in his self to be thankful and thoughtful all the time. I understand that December is a day of Christmas but I don't think we need a holiday to remind us to be Christ like when he's a part of your life everyday. I guess when people are around me like last year I became a grinch. I didn't even know I was a grinch.
My heart was getting smaller, my skin turning green, and my nose was getting smaller too. I don't know why, maybe I was being lonely and the outlook of life was just hard. Working for something bigger than your self, you sacrifice a lot of things. One of those things like today that reminded me is the holidays. Part of me knows that people back home are rooting for me, and I know all of them wish I was home. People respect me, and I feel that I don't deserve it. Until I get a the job done, but at the same time, thats why they respect me because I always don't let my goal stray, no matter what the cost.
But on the other hand some of these times are hard for some people. Especially our service members. Just a couple days ago, a military personnel killed himself over a girlfriend and another killed himself probably because of the holidays. Its such a tragedy but its sad for them to feel so hurt that even in the holiday season they have know one to turn to. Life is so precious and like these holiday season, one tend to be reminded what we really miss, which is home.
War, war never changes...
And as we continue to be human we have that flaw of being human. I believe were better than that and if they find something to live for. Whatever it may be. Christmas might not as feel lonely. I have always been a giver and in return, I do believe in Karma. I have receive gifts by God or by people that money can't buy. I have money while others don't but I receive so much love that my bank account doesn't come close to the trust and love I have with my friends. How lucky I am in the present of my faith and in my philosophy I wonder how can I do more. Maybe when I get back I can finally throw in the towel and settle down. Oh yes, it would be good to be home. Current Mood: hungry