Nartapura's Chosen Journal

Getting Left 4 Dead Again...
I'm at a point of the rat race where I'm stuck in the middle. I'm not ahead and I'm not behind but I have to remind myself that I still got more years and challenges ahead of me, so I can't just sprint all the way to the finish line. Being on my own finally for the first time, I realize that there's a lot of things I have to take care before I move to the next level of expertise. Looking at the numbers of the Forex I can see up and down candles of the US Dollar, taking a dump in what I call America's dump.

Yet even though people say we are recovering, we still got a long road ahead. I then ponder how the hell have I survive so long, is it luck or is it just the sense of survival.

I tend to believe that the Zombie Horde is coming but then maybe I'm just playing too much Left 4 Dead 2 on the computer and on the Xbox. I seem to already finish all the campaigns on PC and moving toward the Xbox 360 so I can hopefully play with Jon on a session on Left 4 Dead. But ironically we still haven't played and my crappy Xbox seem to take a crap at the best time.

Working through this job market I understand that the market is not good but that doesn't stop me from surviving what I call the best years of my life. Some might call this a crappy time in American History but being in my generation I feel that this experience will only make us stronger as a whole. Of course your going to have a few, or maybe I'm wrong as a majority, losing a lot of money, and being in debt in time to come. But I still believe the strong will survive and if I can be one of those strong ones to survive this ordeal I think I will be richer and most importantly wiser in years to come.

I feel I am on the right track but at the same time I find myself stuck in that zone. Being Left 4 Dead and it is a matter of taking it in your own hands to be successful. There is no hand out and if there is, I don't want it because I been through too much to just end it here. I come to terms to be happy in the small things in life and found the best thing I cherish is my time with my girlfriend eating Pho or feeding the ducks at the park. Even with all the sessions of gaming and experience in the Marine Corps, the simple things makes me appreciate how lucky I am to be with her, and the time I still have in this rat race.

I'm just so competitive, its seems to be in my nature to be competitive, from sports, to video games, to just anything. I don't like to fail or fall but at the same time, falling making me understand how humble I am, and how humble I use to be. I lost sight of that as I came back I feel and its not because I shouldn't be happy, but when your alone over there in the desert I think the desert sort of make you crazy. Because the war is not always against zombies, or human beings. Sometimes the biggest war is in the self. The war within that you can't let go or something you go through because how isolated you are in Iraq or in any war zone.

It has taken me some time to adjust to the civilian world, and its just funny how even though we feel sometimes think that the world evolve on you. It just doesn't because the world is so small and you meet people for a reason and sometimes even meet people you haven't seen for years out of the blue. I don't feel its chance or a probability of seeing an old high school mate in High School at the same base in Iraq. Or doing some temp work and meeting another old friend from high school on a odd Saturday. I think it means something, I think its something that justify that we are not alone out there in this struggle.

I love Los Angeles, I love it with all my heart. Something about it is so beautiful, from the sunny sky and great weather. Its not just the weather, but its the people you meet. Wither its the assholes on the roads or the faithful fans of your favorite sports team. Los Angeles seems to be the land of fame and excess. Its that dream that we love Los Angeles, I truly feel we love the struggle. Why else would we want to live in a man made ozone layer that is literally killing us and having a job market thats so low that people are losing jobs left and right. There has to be a reason and I think that were all fucked up in the head somehow. Or were just trying to pick up the pieces. For the most part I think we will be all right because sometimes being Left 4 Dead is okay. Sometime we just got to kill dem sumofbitches to make our own path to salvation...

Current Mood: anxious

Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion
As I grow tired with the wait, I head toward the flight deck with bad odds and a dust storm just waiting to be born. The time here in Iraq has been a long one and yet even though the light of the end of the tunnel is near I still grow tired with the flight schedual that the military has. It requires patience and it requires a lot of luck. Luckyly I found myself stuck sleeping on wooden logs with the light in the room shining bright on me. The light beams in my head so I can't sleep as I wait for hours on end trying to get my place back home.

I'm number 24 on the list as the Marines have priority to go home than me. I started my journey at 10 pm and I lay awake till I saw the sun came up. I couldn't find myself to sleep because if there was a chance to hop on a bird I was going to take it. The Marines left and I was lucky enough for the weather to clear a little as I took my flight to Ala Sad. In arabic it means the Lion. As I finally headed here I found peace with the better base and one step closer to Kuwait. Even if I don't find a flight I can get a chance to home, away from work and away from all the bull shit. Its just a matter of time until I get out of here and thats where luck plays along.

I arrive just in time to find a flight to Kuwait in a couple of hours, enough time to get some food in my stomach, enough time to get something to eat, and enough time to reflect on the time here. I grow tired from each minunte and I'm just tired of this country. Maybe theres hope in California. Like the good old days of the Grapes of Wrath, they say theres no work in California but I beg to differ, I beg to wish that California and I look opptimistic. So until I meet again. Lets fly out of Iraq...

Prince of Persia: Sands of Time
On the brink of timing, the sands of time that hits my face tells me that my time here is coming to an end but not over. A huge sand storm hit us hard, and its the hardest I have ever seen it. I think it was the desert telling me that I wasn't meant to come back yet, or maybe it just that I have to think of what the future may hold. Today I hit my 330 days of being on country of Iraq. Which is a good thing because after this day, nothing is really holding me back but even as you plan things, I feel that the sand storm is telling me that I can't anticipate the future because life have bigger things that can change your future in the blink of an eye.

The journey back home I hope will be the most easiest part of this whole job opportunity I have but I suppose its not the case. Being here for a year, you kind of get use to life here in Iraq. Day in and day out the time past and the days become weeks, and the weeks become months. The sun doesn't shine to brightly today because I still can see the haze of dust floating in the air. I can't even see the sun but the light shine slowly through the dust. Its really nasty outside and its just makes me wonder how people can live in a forsaken country like Iraq.

Yet even in this country I can sense a presence of God talking me to through the desert, As the storm came gushing in, I felt the Wrath of God coming down as the thunder stroke and the dust consume us all with wind and earth. Its amazing how a force of nature can stop a whole base and let alone a whole region. The storm was so bad I was just blind in front of me and I couldn't see what was 5 feet of me.

But yet the Sands of Times comes and go and I have to wait patiently. I know mentally I'm just done, I don't even want to work anymore as I feel like I'm a zombie and the heart is not there anymore. Yet people tell me about the economy being bad I just feel that what can I do to help. Sit here make more money and hate my life or come home and find peace. I feel that I deserve a break with all the hard work I put in and even with the time I put in with the Corps this future I have been building has been built and won't be made if I continue to keep working. I find what profit is it in me if I have all the money in the world and I have no one to spend it with. I wouldn't give it to my family because whats more important to me isn't my family, but yet my family to me is my friends.

My close friends that struggle in California and the endless struggle of the city of Los Angeles. A hefty smog that pollutes the air but yet I see a sense of hope with the time that comes in. You sense that this city needs to celebrate with the Lakers winning a championship and hopefully the Dodgers will come through next. But as time progress you can't but help remember the desert, of what it has taught me. They say to trust the desert but not trust it completely. But I feel as the desert knows me and like my friends here in Iraq they will miss me as I tell them that people back home miss me too. I know I bring light in peoples lives, its no secret and I know I enjoy doing it too. I feel that I haven't given much time to the ones I love and I feel thats whats important to me. Not money or fame, that's why I need to come back. Not being of my future or my wallet, but give support to those I care about because at the end, thats what matter to me. Until this storm dies down I know I have faith I will be coming home soon.

Peace?
What is peace, Peace comes with the word that has no violence, but sometimes violence is necessary to keep things in order. Life as it seem and time keep slipping away. Days past and I don't try to look at the past but the past sometimes haunts you till the day you die. The summer days are just starting and the temperature of Iraq has led the summer nights to a mere 80 degrees. As I try to look at the stars I see a haze blocking the crescent moon as I try to look for the Big Dipper or other constellations. Time has past well and something is telling me that my time here is almost to an end.

Thinking that tomorrow will be a better day, my campaign here in Iraq hasn't been a bad one, making easy money, and easy going people to work with. What makes this deployment great isn't just the work that I do, but the people that I work for, and work with. Time and time again, you get a sense of belonging with the people you work, sleep, and eat with. You get a sense that its a family that shares the fights and the work that comes in from a day to day basis, and that is what makes us a family.

I try to answer life's questions over here in Iraq, and I feel confident that I can fully understand them in the most humble point of view. The days of tomorrow seem endless and the future limitless, yet sometime I wonder how life would be better and what goals I would want to achieve. It is like the part of Los Angeles that I have in my head that I love so dear. Yet people hate it, and I love it because to me Los Angeles is home. It will always be home and Hacienda Heights will be home to me.

I try not to compare myself to other people but I always wish I could know what people are doing back home. The struggles they have and the issues of what California brings. Working for peace I would always say is why I work so hard. To work so hard and live an honest life. A good man in my eyes to try to do the right things with the right intentions. To understand and give back to a community that some might not have the chance to do.

I wonder what goes through my head sometimes, I try to do things more than the power of one man. To think about the future and the goals set better than myself. Spending times and years to promote gloriously to my time for my Country and this state. Yet at times peace. The longing of a better tomorrow and everyday seems to be better each day. I feel satisfied and happy and yet I feel others don't feel the same way.

Maybe I'm just syndical in my own sense, and I'm not better than anyone else. That I am the one that is in the lows. But the sense of opportunity never change and I have lost touch to so many people I grew up in High School and yet the memories in High School has lost me. Maybe it was that I wasn't so close to anyone in High School. The days I live was some short of an outcast and yet I dream to one day make a difference to get some short of notoriety of where I came from. Maybe is that I'm still unsure of myself. Life seem to be a life learning experience and I still have lots to learn. Some people call me wise, some people call me kind, some call me cold hearted. But at times I am who I am with the lessons I learn in life. A man thats just trying to make a difference in his part of his world. To one day find peace...

The End of May, 2009
It is the End of May and my contract is almost up with my time here in Iraq. Most of the goals that I plan on doing I did on a timely matter. I came here with the optimism of saving a good capital to the future and leaving here without the debt of credit cards or debt over my shoulders. My time here is coming to the end and even though I am almost finish I find myself a little uneasy with the smell of success. I guess I am in a way afraid of success, trying to wonder the common man and feel for my friends and family that are struggling. I can't seem to comprehend the differences yet most of my friends live in California its hard for everyone in California.

Especially for California being as broke as it seem and how much in debt they are in, the cost of living is high and the unemployment continue to rise. 2009 doesn't look as optimistic as I imagine, comparing to 2008 2009 look like its getting better but its still not at the level of wellness. Sometimes I ponder about the future, and sometimes I look at the past, but I don't look at the past as often as I use to.

I seem to banish the past with the high hopes I have in the future but I notice some of the struggles of the people in California, I can't but help be lucky where I stand in my point in my life. 24 years old I find myself in a crossroad again, trying to stray away from the military but I still find myself in duty and on call.

The changes I had endure here was steady but the time here seem to be priceless and even though I have been gone for a year, it doesn't seem much has change back home. Couple heartaches but a matter of hopes and wishes gone with cries of thought that goes through my head.

You know sometimes I feel I want to feel what my friends are going through back home, the endless struggle of life, because sometimes I feel life has bless me, but on the other hand, I know that I have made a lot of sacrifices that only few has in the remembrance of this Memorial Day.

I remember as a kid I didn't really look much about Memorial Day, I took it as a kid as another day off so I can play my video games. Yet today is different because sleeping on the hot desert of Iraq, I can understand the homesick feeling of what it is to be an American. A proud American that I'm more proud to be an American than my actual ethic group. Long more that I look for a sense of belonging in my life and that the Marine Corps has given me that feeling that at least I have accomplish something in my life and it has given me thanks in this trouble time.

Yet even though I'm okay I can't help not be satisfied with my success still. Time comes and go and as I notice friends come and go and things change because even though I bring a positive attitude in life, I have been taking care of me and not the family. Makes me wonder what kind of friend I am but in the same time, it is me that is taking care of business. No one has ever given me a free ride, I seem to be my own person when it comes to making my success. And that right there is why I am proud to be an American without the help of owing someone. Yet part of me know that I am almost finish and its just a matter of time. Maybe God knows why but I can only hope to see the city lights soon. The city that I love, the city of angels.

Current Music: Love Her Madly - The Doors

Why Do I Work So Hard?
Sometimes I ask myself this question. Its not a a matter of life, or reason, but I put myself in position that puts me to the test. A test among friends and family that brings myself to tears sometime. Sometimes I am happy and sometimes I am sad, but in reality I don't believe that I would do it any different if I had it any other way. The life I have given are choices that were made in the past and made for the future. The present is sort of like a gift when people will say it but I put myself in situation that brings myself to other situations.

I suppose that is how life is, a set of trial and errors that makes a human being human. We are not perfect, yet when you look at it, there are different choices we can make it, to make it right or wrong. A matter of free will says the book, but its the choices I made to be where I am at. I work so damn hard sometimes because sometimes I feel that is all that I know. A time of peace is not in my comprehension. I remember when I had all the time in the world to relax I felt down and depress, but when I had stress in my life I felt that I was alive.

A thrill seeker and an adventurer, a life that only I know and a life that in times can be lonely. I guess I work so hard when I always foresaw a goal that was in my life. A life in the City of Angeles where the grass is green and the life is high. The simple life as what people would call it. Its funny with all the things people have I think people always refer to the simple life to live life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. That slogan alone seem to say a lot of what America is about. A life in the pursuit of happiness, is what I'm always looking for. I think its what everyone wants down dear in their heart.

You know, no drama, be happy, be content, and have what you want. If that means party in the clubs with 20 beautiful girls, or a white picket fence with a dog name skit and a beautiful wife. Success is just a matter in your head my buddy would say, and he's right thats its all in your head, but I find myself lost in my success, because in reality I don't know what is success. I seem to find myself alone at times and when I find my success with myself, I found that I would love to share that success with someone. Anyone one to be exact, and I guess its that sense of belonging that everyone tries to find.

I guess thats how life is suppose to be, an endless struggle that people live for. To hopefully that tomorrow will be a better day.

Current Music: Kill You - Eminem

Forgive and Forget
On the brink of baseball history the Dodgers seem to come in gun blazing, winning 13 games at home. A Major League Baseball all time modern record that sets the most wins in Baseball history. With Mannywood on our side there was nothing stopping us. Our pitching was lacking but the Dodgers supported the runs. Our force was to be reckon with as the cheers of Dodgers stadium was heard all the way to Yankee's stadium as the the crowd of New York chanted "We want Torre". Our faithful fans in Los Angeles stay true blue to the Dodgers as we cheered loudly every night to win. News broke out later that day that Mannywood would be suspended for 50 games. A day that even so I was greedy, I can't help but feel sad.

As the market made a good turn around yesterday on Bank of America and Citi group, Wall street seem to be please with what the economy is going regardless of the statistics of the stress test or the unemployment. Yet we sometime forgive and forget at what may happen and how history look at these days.

I can't but help but forgive Mannywood for his wrong doing. As a faithful Dodgers fan I am true to my player, and utterly disappointed at what he may cause our season. Even though I believe we are a strong team, its hard to say that our team will be miss without Mannywood. Yet even though I can forgive Mannywood for his mistakes, every man has made their own mistakes.

Yet I can't help be angry with two individuals that I have known most of my life. Those people would be my brother, and my old friend Terence. Just like Mannywood disappointing us with his ordeal and Torre and Ned bailing him out on the conference, you can't help be cheated as a fan that he would disappoint us like that. But yet I can't bring myself to forgive or forget about the past. Its as part of me is punishing himself to try to understand what brought these two people to where they are at and how I failed them.

That is what goes through my mind sometimes, because of how they have hurt me in the past, and in the present. I want to forgive and forget but I know I am just not ready, even for what I have accomplish here in Iraq. There is still a lot of unfinished business that I have to take care over here, and back home in Los Angeles. Even when I have heard them apologize to me, part me wanted them to know something. Something very clear, and that is how disappointed I was. At all the faults, I know I will forgive them and as I myself have to forgive myself.

I am not perfect, not all knowing or better than anyone. I'm not better than certain individuals because I have this thing people chase called money. But I am bless and understand that I do have feelings and I know others should be respected as well. I know I am not right for saying things I have done in the past but I know that I wasn't ready to confront certain issues with emotion flaring, just as my emotion is flaring with the whole Mannywood issue. Its not fair for me to say certain things without finishing a job over here in Iraq until its over. My job is almost finish and when I'm finish I know I will have to face these two people one way or another and I understand that I may not like it. Its just a matter of time until I get home and when I get home then I can call Iraq goodbye. But until then, I will have to keep on working...

Current Mood: aggravated
Current Music: Hook - Blues Traveler

London and waiting
As I embark my journey back to Iraq, I must say that this vacation was better than I expected. With a lot of careful planning I found my way back home a week early, hoped on a cruise for a week and still manage some time to see my friend. Sadly I didn't see all my friends but I saw most. I resolved most of the issues I had to take care of and finish problems that lingered around to a close.

I really had a great vacation, with family and friends happy to see me and with a few hiccups I still manage to pull through seize the day. Time management was key to my success and careful planning but as I head back to reality I sort of look back at the hopes and dreams. I could of not image it to end the way it ended but I am still satisfied with the ending like a new movie that came out.

I lost a friend but made new ones. Lost a connection to some love ones but made new ones too. Its funny how the ending of one friendship can turn to the beginning to another. Still as optimistic with the friends that know me best, people was just was glad to see me. To put a smile in their face and people knew I was a good guy. The thing was that my journey is far from over. As people may seem I am on top I have to carefully be humble that I still have to face a lot of trials in life to be successful.

I believe that is part of key ingredients to success. To know that you know what you are talking about but to also understand to be humble to people that are struggling in these hard times. But it goes both ways, I have accomplish so much with so little time sometimes I feel that I am not worthy of these accomplishments. Such as the money or the glory, but only one can imagine what I have gone through during the years of the past.

If it was getting out of the house from my father, joining the Marines, and now Iraq. I know I have live a lonely life and I have accepted it not because I am not a good guy, but accepted that I am devoted to my work and that is why I am who I am.

As I was on the cruise, I made people smile, I made people laugh, more importantly they had a good time because of me. Some even said I was the highlight of the cruise. I was the life of the party and I didn't realize that until now. I just feed on the energy of other people. That's the energy that I need to get that natural high to love life. Thats a big reason why I'm not too fond to negative people because honestly life is too beautiful to think about money, school, or economy.

As I come back to reality, I can't just help be sadden by my family and friends. Even loves ones that I care about but can't see because of my duty. Sometimes I feel its a sort of selfishness to leave but at the same time, my true friends want me to go as I want them to go too and move on with their lives.

I guess as I grow up I am very fond in people growing up, and part of growing up is letting people go. Letting them grow to the person they want to be. Not holding them back and holding grudges to stay back home. I remember the statistics to the Marines that joined the Marine Corps and they were always people like me coming from small towns trying to get away from it. I find it that I wanted to get out. I wanted to see the world, and during these 6 to 8 years gone, I realize that you grow so much than being in Hacienda Heights going to school, just stuff that school doesn't teach you. Especially being alone you learn a lot about your self esteem and be stronger as a man. Thats just why I just take no crap from no one anymore. I sound arrogant at times, but hey giving your soul and life for the state is a big deal. You sort of lose your freedoms of what it means to be free. I know only a few of us know what that means but thats just why I am the way I am.

Overall I just try to be humble mate, more and more I see people that either be successful and drift away but I know at the end we will all end up together again. I use to say that when I was graduating high school and as I stand now as a man I can truly feel that. I don't feel as empty anymore because I feel the love and support of the ones that matter the most. Even with the new friends I have met on the cruise, I feel that I felt a deep connection with so many and touch the lives of so many. The way I look at it, if any relationship is meant to happen, the two forces will meet up again. Especially in the year of the Facebook, its hard to not find lost friends and connections.

Like I said again, I have so mountains to climb and I'm waiting for the next challenge so until we meet again...

Current Music: Norah Jones - Thinking about you

The Future
My past entries were always about the past and as I grow older, I'm starting to realize that I'm looking forward to the future. I don't know if many people can say that but when I look at the future I look at the options that anyone of us can take.

The options are hard, sometimes simple, sometimes its just complicated. What ever life brings to me, sometimes maybe its just destiny that brings people together. The life that one takes to him self is predetermine or a matter of choice.

As I get closer and closer to the end of my contract, the economy is finally catching up to me as job security is raise in the air. The future to this job is in jeopardy and as some panic, I stay resolve. An omen of great news or bad news. The difference with this omen is that its doesn't matter what the future hold anymore. Not to me, because of the work and effort I have proven to myself. Choices I have made and done, people question, people advise, and people trust in me.

My life hasn't been too hard but at the same time my life haven't been too easy. I think people tend to forget that the world around them is just there and the small things that people tend to forget is what matters. Life in general has been good to me and what else can I ask for.

Sometimes I just sit a little and think about my philosophy, my self centered, my stubbornness, my goals. Why does it matter, and I will have that feeling of nihilism in my head. I tend to forget that my money doesn't matter, or the girls, or the play. Its just that I'm so tired at times at looking at the future and setting up the future. I think I have setup the future so well that I haven't made a flaw that the only mistake is that flaw.

I been playing it conservative but as I envy my friends that at home playing football, or just hanging out. I find it funny how I am doing it all backwards. I'll come back people will have their degrees and be looking for a job, while I'll be going to school and have no loans.

It is funny, if someone ask me what my future holds, I can tell them in a blink of an eye. The problem is sometimes I just don't want to know. The fear of unknowing seem to be what drives myself to do a lot of great things. The fear, the anxiety, and the excitement. Using it for the positive, rather than the negative.

I'm looking for that destiny still, I searched for it in High School, I searched it in the Marine Corps, I've searched for it in Iraq and the sandy storms told me of great dreams and great wars for things to come. A dream that was the beginning of my life that I will prove to myself. One day I will be famous and people will one day know my name.

I know it is hard to come by but I get there sooner or later because I'm determine. That is what my future hold...

Current Mood: accomplished
Current Music: That Was a Crazy Game of Poker - O.A.R.

Think of Home
The thought of the economy has hit us hard as we progress to the future with President Obama in office. The chance is for me to hit the stock market while I tend to see what going to happen to the future. As we sit here in Iraq, me and my co workers can't help think about home.

Not that were home sick, but the struggles of family and friends has affected someone that we know back home. With unemployment on the rise and debt going down to history. People are on a struggle and the people are trying to do their best to survive.

Life is not what it seem, money seem to rule everything but at the same token, even that seem to have failed this economy with the greed and the scandals. Found Salmonella outbreak to Michael Phelps drug scandal. We find ourself in a big dilemma that even the war of Iraq and the Afghanistan is the tip of the ice berg. As we as Americans try to find hope in the different states we live in. Can we find truth in our self to survive in this country.

What Americans are suffering is a matter of putting their families to the test and I think only the strong will survive, its like a finically darwinism mechanism that will make individuals to new heights. The weak sadly will fall and fail.

The problem with the economy is not the president or the war its a matter that it has effect us mentally and hard. Financially were losing and we must find truth. I sort of lose sleep not because I'm okay or my family is okay, but its because I know too many people struggling and even more that I don't know that are suffering too. A few of us over here can't sleep and in the end what can you do?

Being pragmatic doesn't seem to help and optimism doesn't either. Were all losing sleep here and there not really a remedy, all we can do its to save money and let the chips fall as they may...

Current Mood: angry
Current Music: I Will Survive - Cake

Merry Christmas Jesus
Happy Birthday Jesus. As a Christian I suppose I need to show more respect on this day but its hard when your not at home going to church. For the most part I found myself trying to find peace with myself with the time I am given. I can't say how lucky I am to land this job and on the same token how lucky I am to help people that are in need. I been taken care a lot of business and as the time past I feel like I have gotten wiser.

Maturity has been key in my life and I figure that my life seem to be successful because of my honest action. What else can I say during Christmas time. TO be honest I not a big fan of Christmas, not because I want to be a grinch but I feel that Christmas time has become a consumer holiday. A day where as a consumer we need to buy gifts for people. Even though i was probably one of the most generous, like I said before I'm a giver not a taker. As long as I get a card or someone was thinking about me, my heart warms that someone is out there that cares about me.

But on the point I was trying to get across. I really find myself usually working in Christmas, its either the Marine Corps or its my family. During Christmas I can't remember a time that my family actually use that time to do nothing. It was seem to me in my memories it was always a time where we always had to do some type of work and we fought. Or people acted nice just because it was Christmas. I don't know but I think out of the 365 days in a year, I try to be nice the whole year. I always had an argument that we should be nice and giving everyday of the year not just December. Its like New Year resolutions that die hard and to me being nice for a month is pointless if the other 330 days your a total asshole.

Sorry to make it a numbers game but its true. One needs to find it in his self to be thankful and thoughtful all the time. I understand that December is a day of Christmas but I don't think we need a holiday to remind us to be Christ like when he's a part of your life everyday. I guess when people are around me like last year I became a grinch. I didn't even know I was a grinch.

My heart was getting smaller, my skin turning green, and my nose was getting smaller too. I don't know why, maybe I was being lonely and the outlook of life was just hard. Working for something bigger than your self, you sacrifice a lot of things. One of those things like today that reminded me is the holidays. Part of me knows that people back home are rooting for me, and I know all of them wish I was home. People respect me, and I feel that I don't deserve it. Until I get a the job done, but at the same time, thats why they respect me because I always don't let my goal stray, no matter what the cost.

But on the other hand some of these times are hard for some people. Especially our service members. Just a couple days ago, a military personnel killed himself over a girlfriend and another killed himself probably because of the holidays. Its such a tragedy but its sad for them to feel so hurt that even in the holiday season they have know one to turn to. Life is so precious and like these holiday season, one tend to be reminded what we really miss, which is home.

War, war never changes...

And as we continue to be human we have that flaw of being human. I believe were better than that and if they find something to live for. Whatever it may be. Christmas might not as feel lonely. I have always been a giver and in return, I do believe in Karma. I have receive gifts by God or by people that money can't buy. I have money while others don't but I receive so much love that my bank account doesn't come close to the trust and love I have with my friends. How lucky I am in the present of my faith and in my philosophy I wonder how can I do more. Maybe when I get back I can finally throw in the towel and settle down. Oh yes, it would be good to be home.

Current Mood: hungry
Current Music: 04 - Desperado - Eagles

Anxiety
Trying to know the difference of what is right an wrong is hard to differentiate. Life is a game of choices and over here in Iraq you feel the coldness in the air during the holiday season. The cold reminds me of my loneliness and the mornings reminds me of a new life. Life here is not too hard but you can't help be lonely and sad when its the holidays. Part of me feel that I should be home but part of me knows that there is a job I have to do.

I'm actually bless with the position I have while others I know don't even have a job during this holiday season. Some can't afford gifts, while I have it in my heart to give others. I have always been a giver in my life and never a taker. Part of me feel cold sometimes with the way I handle things. I look at the response I have and part of me don't even want to show sympathy.

As more people tell me of their hard choices they have to make I kind of ponder the sacrifice they have taken? To me its not much because they have the glorious United States of America and not a lot of people see how lucky they are to be here.

I sort of sit back and ponder the difference in my life. I been reconciling the past and my past had many obstacles and instead of falling weak into the institution of the Marine Corps, I came on top. Many can argue how lucky I am but I don't think its always luck, I believe in hard work and opportunities happen to appear because I was lucky but also because I was prepared to make a solid choice to continue to be lucky.

My philosophy in life has always been to help people and while I sit here in a different country I can help so much when people ask for my advice. Ultimately, in the end it is there choice and usually the don't like the choice I have given them. I like to look at every situation throughly and know the in and out. I'm a logically thinker and I use my inductive reasoning to establish a good outcome. The thing I find is that this is not always the right approach because in philosophy and in life. There is one factor I can account for. Which is luck or fate or whatever you call it.

We can always try to plan our lives to the T, but when it comes down to it, we don't have full control. We shouldn't feel helpless to the never end journey of fate but one needs to accept the fact that is coming to them. If one dwells on it one will not enjoy their time they have, even if its limited. For example, what if you knew you had 1 year to live. Would you fret all your time that you are going to die in a year or live your life to the fullest. The key thing is to always seize the day. Live in Carpe Diem and enjoy each day to the present just as it may be your last year. I wouldn't say last day because realistically not everyday is a good day. But one should understand that we should rise up on the occasion to live for a better luck tomorrow.

The philosophy is simple and if you keep life simple. Life will be simple. We as human beings tend to make thing complicated and fret about the small things in life, when in reality we are just a small little spec that is vast part of this universe.

I try to stop thinking ahead and I'm getting better at it, because as I grow older I grow wiser. As I grow wiser I find myself to stay in the moment because a moment is so fast. A heart beat of what tomorrow will bring you and if your just dwelling on the past or the future you never have time for the present and when you don't have time for the present you never get your gift that you get everyday. Which that your alive. Sooner or later you will find yourself lost and the time you have given up because of that anxiety.

If one lives in that dark anxiety, you will not reach your full potential. I know this because I have experience the anxiety and addiction of not knowing. I had to stop it and when I found my self realization I found freedom. You just have to find that self realization in something. In religion, in faith, in God, in something. Sports, A hobby, anything. But only you can find it and only you can find the true meaning happiness. Sometimes we are just too hard on our self. And when your too hard on your self, the real enemy is the self.

Find it in your heart to live, and love yourself. When you do that you can love others. And when you love others, you can understand others. Then you can all live in harmony. God made us who we are because we have faults. We are not perfect and by that you should understand we are all not perfect and once you understand that you can truly be free.

Current Mood: cold
Current Music: Norah Jones - Not Too Late

My Update on Life
Its been a while since I wrote and its probably because I was distracted. Distracted by many of things but ultimately distracted by myself. Something has been lingering in my head confuse and lost that its hard to find solid ground. Full of hatred and bile, the fuel that was use to fulfill so many dreams. I feel like Forest Gump running across all of the country and finally stopping because I'm tired. I have done so much and accomplish so much I forgot really why I was doing the things I done in the first place. False beliefs and lies and dreams lead me to where I am at. The hope for the rags to riches seem to disappear when you find the true meaning of money and happiness.

Money does not make you happy and even though money is important I think I went through my life trying to figure out my true philosophy in life. The difference of what is right and wrong. Or fighting for something or for a cause. Probably the reason why I put myself in an organization like the Marine Corps. To fight for a cause that was bigger than your self. A dream that I believe before to be the so call American Dream. As our country is in turmoil fighting two wars in two war fronts. You start to find the greed in evil men. As I take a step back to find out who are the good and who are the bad. Its a matter of perspective of who are the evil men. It could be us and it could be them. The history books are written to the winners of the war.

Like they say he who controls the past controls the future, and he who controls the future control the past.

I look at my life and I can't be happier. I have woman back home that loves me. I have a friend that cares deeply about me. I have my brother that admires me. I have my Father that respect me. I might been single since I open this journal but I have a sense of accomplishment that I have. If I even look at my past entries they seem a lack of life into them. It was usually about the same thing. No girlfriend, being lonely. Its much to be expected now with the life I have lived. Its a pretty lonely life I know but the light at the end of the tunnel is getting closer.

With money in the bank and all the things I couldn't really ask for more, I think I can finally settle down to the life of peace. The war is slowly coming to an end as i pay respect to most of my goals. I have been commended with my drive and life has been good to me. Being thankful that I am alive is what is important to me. I just hope that I may spend the good times with the people that have supported me through my life and the Marine Corps.

6 years will have gone by since I left High School and 6 years of my life I won't get back. The years that my peers have either gone to college or even grad school 6 years is me saying goodbye to the Marine Corps and this War on Terrorism. I have served my country well and face a war against myself. The Corps was a stepping stone to the right direction and my year here in Iraq is the pentacle of that journey. An exodus to a new life and a new beginning. Man 6 years, it surprises me when I look at the things I have done and the things I have seen. I feel so old but age is still young. There is so much I have experience and so many stories i want to tell. Part of me is still afraid though to come back. To come back in reality. Out here life is easy, you do your job and you make money. As the real world I know people with no money and no jobs. I can only pray for them and hope for the best. but I suppose only time will tell...

Current Music: Katy Perry - Hot and Cold

First Incoming
As I layed in bed tossing and turning from my alarm that is going off every five min. I try to get a few extra seconds of sleep so I can get a little more shut eye before I head to work. My alarm is ringing about 2 to 3 times as I drop my damn alarm on the floor. I'm no where near an arm distant of my alarm clock as it goes off on the ground.

I stand up and wake up to turn on my Mac hoping to see if I recieve any email or any news from anything that is interesting. My own concern was my grumbling stomach, and a ponder of how yesterdays game went with the Dodgers vs Arizona. A race to the playoffs and hoping the Dodgers can pull through with Manny Ramirez and get to the post season.

I hear a big blast that shakes my wooden shack that comes from a close but far distant. I shrug it and assume nothing of it. My room mate rushes in and say, "bro that was an incoming" and I shrug, its probabaly just a control detonation that the Marines usually do in the morning. I found out later I was wrong as I approach the chow hall and the people weren't service any food as people awaited for another incoming of mortars that could fall upon us in any place, and any given time.

I find it sad that I didn't even flinch one second as I went about my daily routine. Trying to find food as the servers in the chow hall stopped working. As my first incoming, I felt sort of lax and crazy at the same time to not even show any fear or concern that I could die and a mortar can land anywhere. I was a little more concern if the Dodgers won than my life. But looking back now, I think I just have to pray to God still because for some reason, I know that was only the first of many, thats more to come...

Current Mood: cold

23 on the 23rd
As my birthday arise I could only think about the sleep I been getting here in Iraq. I been having lucid dreams about different things. A rabbit made with crystals, downing puppies, the American flag being raise, WoW, and woman. I notice that I don’t understand my dream not a bit but I’m starting to dream which is a good thing. I know I’m finally getting rest that I always wanted for a long time. I feel more refresh in the day. Working out and looking forward to the next gym session so I can pump my iron and build more muscle.

Once I got my routine going I’m hungrier and I’m more energetic. I’m looking at the rare woman walking around with more lust than ever before. I feel my hormones raging for sex as I look at the sexy figures of individuals. I feel like I could take them then and there as I think about what all the nasty things I would do to them.

Of course I wish I was home but for the most part this routine has been the best thing that has happen. I work, eat, workout, and play some Eve Online. I get my time and I feel I don’t waste it, managing my time to be productive in a sense of responsibly while keeping my mind and body together. I feel that I have a balance that makes me whole. I work out and keep my mind occupied in Eve. Keep my mind in good spirit as I relive my stress in another world other than Iraq.

As I turn 23, I was hoping for something significant for today. I was hoping year ago that this was the day that I would understand that. I figure I was wrong and I have to wait for next year for the epiphany. The problem that I have right now is that I lack the amount of resources to put out. I been saving money and my network is rising but have nothing to spend it. I am very bless that at 23 I have no debt in my life and my savings is far more than it ever be in my life.

To imagine that I would get this far is such a small period of time is a blessing in disguise but what profit is there if I have all the money in the world and I can’t spend it with anyone. What I am starting to understand is that we are in a viscious cycle of money. Money just pays the bills it doesn’t make you happy. I have paid all my bills and what it leads me to do is try to achieve more bills. Now I’m thinking new car, vacation, property. And in the reality it is nice and dandy but its just more bills, more debt, and that’s America.

America is fueled with debt and that’s just something I don’t want. Maybe whatever, but I don’t know if I could stay here for 2 year or 3 years or 4. I’m taking it one step at a time and even though the money is good hear. I can feel how Iraq is creeping over me, making tried making me old. A wise old man told me that he’s been working all his life and when it comes down to it, you just old and tired. Yes he might have money but he’s right, he’s just old and tired. Broken down like an old horse just waiting to pasture. Maybe make some money for the kids before his life gives up to him.

Life is so short and in my short life time I still have a lot to learn. 23 ain’t shit when it comes down to it and it’s a matter of keeping that experience alive. I have travel to so many places and I’m not picky. A traveler can’t be picky because there is so much he must go. I hope one day I can travel everywhere but I’m only 23 and I’m still young.

It’s funny being 23 usually you want something on your birthday. I don’t really want anything in particular. I have majority of the stuff I want and some that I don’t need but maybe I do want something. Maybe some sex will do, but that’s about it, I wish I could get some right now but I’m in Iraq. Too bad I’m not at home because I’m not too picky. A good time and some good Karaoke would be good. But I guess I do have one wish.

I have only one wish, one wish that would make me so happy, and that’s if the Dodgers win their division this year. I just turn 23 so go Dodgers!

Current Mood: bored

$2711.92
Trying to comprehend the life in Iraq, I try to comprehend why my bill is so high on my pay stub. I come to realize that I pay a lot of money to the government. Not because I want to but its just the way it is and I hope I can get some back when the year is over.

$2711.92

For me is a odd number but its a number, that I have to pay to good old Uncle Sam. I guess thats what happen when you start making more money than you can handle. Now you may think thats just one month but that's just a single pay period. So take that number times two and you get a bigger number that I don't even want to know.

Thats what freedom cost I guess. A number that pays for itself and the understanding the difference of why Republicans are mad because they have to pay a lot of taxes, while the Democrats want more money. Well I have to say I'm a moderate and heres $2711.92 I give you guys for your scholarships and funding if you guys do get aid. I do my part and I don't complain, just a look of disbelief. LOL

Trying to understand the survival of my life, I find myself in a mission outside the wire to fix a couple of trucks on my trip in Iraq. Going on my convoy I find myself asleep for all the hard work and rest I needed to get before I head to where I needed to go. I try to understand the Marines in their home state of burden and I find a war zone filled with boredom. A spirit of men being broken from every deployment away from home. Away from real food as the rations we get is merely a joke that feed maybe a couple of cockroach that wouldn't even be satisfied with the taste.

The life as a Marine or the Soldier is hard. With no girls around in the middle of no where I could understand why people can go crazy and get PTSD here in Iraq. As I see this I can see why my good friend Lee didn't want me to go here. As I see these men and experience the long hours in the hot sun, I find myself in my own war. A war of boredom that only eats at the human spirit. A spirit that loses a man humanity that keeps them human to feel.

Without that reason to feel and understand, its hard to understand the will to live because you live in an environment that is away from home and away from that comfort. That comfort that we hold so dear to maybe we can live in a better tomorrow. To live better tomorrow and hope that there will never be war again. Only one can hope and can look optimistic as the progress in Iraq is very slow but there is progress.

As I progress back to my home I can see the horizon of Iraq. A mere ocean of an endless ocean. As I try to imagine the days of the bible as Prophets walk through the desert and walk these desert lands to tell stories and preach the word of God. As I try to understand how people can live in this forsaken land. Where the sand is made of powder and the land is bleak and ugly. Yet even from the forsaken land, over the horizon of the sinking sun, you get a sense of the moon on my right and a sun to your left. You see more and more trees toward the river that help these savaged people survived this forsaken place.

Life seem to spring with beautiful palms trees and houses made of clay. The life of Iraq seem to have a pretty side as we pass a great bridge to a river that makes it a landmark and strategic point for an outpost. I can even sense a back track of time like I was back in the ancient times as I see the destroyed ruins. I think about how many countries have destroyed this land over and over and the desert is the clue of those time.

As I back track back in my 7 ton vehicle. My Marine to the left of me is thinking about his old lady, probably thinking about her smile or the time she spill the coffee on her dress. I tend to look back and listen to music as the Marine next to me is keeping alert for any trouble that lies ahead. As the other Marines have their head down trying to get their shut eye for the boring ride back to home. Probably dreaming about booze and the number of the serial of his rifle. Maybe a remark his Gunny told him.

But as the temperature rises to about 110 to 150 degrees I also wonder about life. I wonder why I am here. But then I remember, a future of dreams worth $2711.92. Maybe with that money I can help somebody go to college, or help some poor American cheat the government for money so he or she can get free money. I don't know it doesn't matter but I know I'm an honest person. I try to do my part even when its right or wrong. I'm indifferent about, what else can I say. Life is life, and war is war. I always try to do what I wanted to do from the beginning is be an honest man, trying to make an honest living. Is what I do is honest, at least I try to do it in the best intentions. Others may feel different but usually those are the jealous one. I don't know anymore, I just hope for the best and look at the sun tomorrow when it rises, because you try to live as long as you can. You can't look back because I want to live for tomorrow, a better tomorrow, thats all I can ask for.

Is that too much? Or I'm just paying too little. What does it cost for a better tomorrow? Maybe $2711.92...

Current Mood: surprised
Current Music: Hotel California - Gipsy Kings

Genesis
So I started reading the Bible a long time ago. People always preach me the word of God and I try to follow the word of God. But from time to time, I always wonder what was truth and what was false. I always wanted to find the real truth and people would preach the word of God by scriptures but I found scriptures and quotes can always be misused. Misused to different interpretation. Like a line in a book or a story, if you didn't read the whole story, how can one line justify the true meaning of the line.

If I could describe the bible in a few sentence it wouldn't be the bible, it would be just a sentence from God. Or Jehovah. The key truth is what I want to find out is understand the stories in my interpretation. By doing this I need to read the book for myself. I think there is a lot of people, including myself that are believers but haven't touch the big book its self. So I made it my goal to finish this big book before I leave Iraq and I think I can accomplish it.

I have just finish Genesis and it wasn't my first time reading it, I stop a little after the beginning of Exodus and right after that I never really had the chance to pick up the book again. I think I got distracted on stupid stuff, like gaming, and girls I suppose. But reading for the 2nd time made me realize a lot of things. Especially being more older and wiser I found myself in the land of where the book was written. If there's one thing I learn in the book of Genesis is that some of the cats in the book were preety shady. If not shady they had a lot of wives. I suppose they can be look upon as pimps in today times but I wouldn't want to say pimps because these were the chosen people for the Israelites.

The book of Genesis seem very fire and brimstone and its really cold. As I try to continue reading I can see how people were drawn to these stories in a land like the middle east. These were the comic books and stories of the past times. These were the stories and lesson told to teach lessons or the classic soap operas of wrong doings. I think people have drifted away because writers of todays pop culture change the way people think just people get manipulated by the media. Just as the book it is so powerful because it is the word of God. Which I believe but with face sometimes people can interpret it in their own false attentions. As I finish the beginning of the book, I continue to Exodus and hope to continue chugging along...

Current Mood: okay
Current Music: To The End - My Chemical Romance

Red Moon Rising
A full moon rising from the left of me, while I go running again. Its particular darker tonight for some reason. The last time I ran it was a full moon and the night seem a lot hotter. Tonight was a lot cooler, I kind of felt a desert breeze that seem to smell a scent of freshness. I was wrong because it was a scent of burnt asphalt when I run across some broken roads.

Tonight seem to be an easier night and its not too busy. As I run, I hardly could see where I’m going, and thats because the moon is Red tonight, Red like blood as it the UV rays reflect the sand I suppose. I feel like its an eerie movie where the devil will come out but the Red Moon just hinders my running because I can’t see much.

Its funny, what happen to be just a 3 mile run turned to a 6 mile run because of the Red Moon. The base that I’m living in, isn’t the best lit place to run so I start to get lost. Being lost wasn’t really a bad thing since I broke my longest run but I suppose the goals I set are the once I will reach. I’m a person that set goals and achieves them. I don’t like to set goals and not set them because I’m just not a failure and I’m not one to say something and not do it.

Of course I try and want to control my own universe but in certain cases I’m not God, I can’t control everything but I try to. Only when you have a sense of control of your life you can be truly free. Free from money and your self I suppose. I suppose thats why I work so hard to achieve perfection. I wouldn’t even consider myself a perfectionist but I try to do my best.

As I continue my days working, I’m starting to develop relationships with my workers here. Its a lot closer here than the Marine Corps I feel, maybe because were in Iraq, but of course I’m starting to understand these guys better. My room mate for example is one to set bull shit goals. Goals that are a little farfetched but still possible, but the way he goes about it is wrong. He like to set the goals but he doesn’t want to work hard on them. He’s just ultimately lazy and it makes it hard to work with someone like him.

But I feel more motivated than before. Its people like him that I like to prove wrong. Call it my negative side of me, but he motivates me not to be like him. I want to prove him wrong with the dedication it takes to get a killer body. I even took the liberty to buy myself some gear to work on my pushes up and pull ups. I hope when everything is all said and done, I’ll have that killer body for that beach, but for the most part the mind is only strong if both mind and body are equal. I always try to find ways to better myself and a good fitness is key to feel better, and ultimately be a better person. I just hope in the end it will be worth it.

Current Mood: amused
Current Music: The Wreckers - One More Girl

Thinking about Karaoke
Another hot day and it seems to get hotter as we get closer to the summer. The sun over here is very viscous. Its not like the states where you can hide from the sun. Over here its a beast and the sand helps a lot simulate a big cooking oven. Its like you can bake cookies here and were the cookies. My tan is starting to build and I figure in a couple of months I’ll have a good farmers tan to get the ladies all over me.

I don’t know if I’m getting stronger but work is sort of a work out. I hope I’m losing calories because there’s time when I want to eat healthy, but days like today makes me want to eat just because I was just hungry.

As another successful day in the shop, I head to the shower thinking my old karaoke days and wonder what my karaoke friends are doing right now. Do they remember me or am I just a blur of someone that was having a good time. I loved karaoke, it was my new addiction to my new world of night life. I seem to drift away since I took this job but it comforts me as I sing to myself in the days of the beating sun.

I have that Pearl Jam song stuck in my head and I usually get a song stuck in my head for the soul purpose of trying to find the meaning of the song. I find myself in day dream as I sing this profound song about a bad relationship but I imagine myself in a stage. I’m like lost in the song as I perform in from of my friends, and they love me. But as I open my eyes I’m back in my work place turning a wrench.

My boss seem to look at me and says “Yo more work, less chit chat.” I just brush it off like its no tomorrow and I find that our brains seems to wonder because of our bored minds. I always try to find myself lost in my reality, I don’t like to face reality because I’m a gamers, and as a gamer I never like to lose. I try to find new ways to solve problems and win. To be better than the other person and in a way I become initiative and as a gamer I think thats a great skill to learn as a gamer. To hardness that power to have good initiative and use it for a positive will. The problem with a lot of lazy gamers is that their lazy. They just game because of being bored. The difference with my gaming is that my gaming is sort of a way of life. I play because I have achieve a different reason to play. Its hard to explain but I just finish a book called “This Gaming Life” and it sort of explain the reason I play these games but I feel that it doesn’t phantom the true reason we play games because I achieve something of a sense of belonging. A sense of something that brings me to a different world better than reality.

Its something that seem to not make sense but when your reality is 12 hours of work in a hot oven that heats up to 120 degrees and a war that is fueled by oil. You tend to want to live in a fantasy world... maybe. Time will tell and so far it keeps me sane in a place thats hard to keep sane.

Current Music: The Killers - All the Things I've Done

Losing track off time.
Day in and day out, trucks come in and go, as I send them to fight a war that I don't even know. The place is quiet with the few exception of helicopters, black smoke, and the occasional gun fire from a far. What troubles me is that I don't know what’s happening when it seem like it right next door. The pops fire could be a battle with the Marines or a celebration that the Iraqi police are getting paid.

The question is not a matter that its happening but time seem to have a standstill but the time moves through space and time with election and fantasy football season thats coming up. I lose track of time because of the long hour we work and I don't know if its going fast or slow. Its just long, the days I mean.

I try to look back at the past and over here it doesn't even matter. The past is a blur and what I know at home are half truth. The story are stagnant and the vision is not clear. Home seem to bother me as my families are worried about me and my friends are find new adventures without me.

Its a lot different than it was in Okinawa, because in Okinawa there was still a connection but over here it seem like the old day and were back in the wild wild west. Everything seem can go down here for it is a war zone. As I continue chugging along, I finally take pleasure in running. It keep my mind flowing and as I have my Ipod Nano I find peace in my music. It reminds me of the number of times I would drive from 29 Palms and to Hacienda Heights every weekend. I would drive about 2 hours at least to get to the traffic and to find sanity in my life in the Marine Corps.

Thinking about that now the Corps wasn't that bad because we had a lot of free times in our hands. Over here with this new job its constant work, which is good, but man its hard work. I was talking to myself and for once in my life I felt like a true American. My pants were dirty, my hands were rough from the moon dust of the sand, and my body ache from the heavy lifting of boxes we had to carry to get the job done. I came back to my room smelling of sweat and ass but I was very satisfied.

For once in my life I can honestly say I worked hard with my dirty hands and my back. Understanding how it truly feels to be a blue collar worker. Making the cash, while support the lives of service members in this awful place we call Iraq.

I feel different and I feel older. It could be because me and my fellow workers are kicking ass, or the fact that for once in my life I feel that I'm free. Free from people, free from opinions, and free from reality. Here it seem like were in some type of different world. Like I just logged into some new MMORPG thats requires real stuff. Its just a different atmosphere, with the people, and the mission. We strive for that brother ship, we strive on staying close, and we strive to be together. I feel everyday were becoming a family and I'm starting to understand that brother ship that my kinsman had when they came here in this forsaken land.

Life here seem simple and life back home seem too complicated. The issues press is a matter of problems everyday we face. The problem we face is a matter of keeping it together. I feel that God has a weird way of blessing me because every day I feel bless by him.

My mate says were winners, lol, Bush just sign a bill for the G.I. Bill that would cover my tuition for college and housing when I go to college. Of course I'm eligible because I served my country. Something that I'm proud to say because people thought I was crazy to do something as to join the Marine Corps. My family and my friends thought man that was stupid and now it seem that I'm getting the end of stick.

Why? I suppose? I want to say, being humble but I don't know, maybe I just not selfish. I always thought about others and the greater picture. I felt I guess that even though how much I get crap on some way there has to be some reward. As long as there was faith of some good source of Karma and all the good I try to bring in this world, and all I ask in return is others to treat me the same. Things seem to fall into place in the stuff I hope to envision.

Its just a matter of time before this tour is over and I keep thinking about home. I feel sort of stress when I think about home. My friends having relationship problems, friends can't find work, friends having tons of school work, and there’s me that just trying to making an honest living for the future. I guess I am a winner and I don't want to admit it.

I don't want to admit it because I don't want to be better than someone. I'm not anyone special, but the reality is though Tino. I busted my ass everyday to be at the position I'm in. With blood, sweat, and time to be in the position I'm in. With hard work and sacrifices that people wouldn't even dare, or wanted to because of selfish reason. I was always the unselfish one and now I'm getting the reward. I still don't want to admit it. Its just not me, I'm not better than anyone. I'm not God and I can't judge. hmmm.

I'm not the better man, but as Pearl Jam says "Can't find a better man."

Current Mood: accomplished
Current Music: Pearl Jam - Better Man

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